going "home" to my parents house is always interesting. first, because they move around, a lot. since i left for college, they have lived in augusta, georgia, two different houses in knoxville, and now a rather strange house in lexington, kentucky- so four houses in a period of six years. second, because now that i live in new orleans, leaving that city for one that, you know, functions is quite a shock. the parents live in a new-ish neighborhood that is absolutely strange. it's one of those new developments where there are six prototypes of houses, all of which are situated on the exact same spot on lots that are the exact same size. all of the trees are roughly six feet tall, and are planted in the exact same spot in the front right corner of each lot. all the mailboxes are the same style, and spaced perfectly even, so, when standing on the slight hill where my parents' driveway begins, the predominent impression one gets is of insane and intense monotony- it looks like it was built by legos. at first i hated it, as my mother hates it. but now i'm finding this strange attraction to it. i wish i had brought my camera, so i could take pictures of it. but me and my camera had a bit of a falling out, and i'm trying to think of how to bridge the gap now.

i just don't want to take pictures that much anymore. living in such a photogenic city as new orleans has my photographic sense on overload- everything looks amazing, but contrived. and i realize that i am not an official member of the new orleans club yet, so i don't want to push myself in. also, as a friend of mine said the other day, "really, you don't want to wander around new orleans with an expensive camera." for real.

never before have i had to think so much about a place as i have new orleans. i feel like there's going to be some sort of final exam i'll have to take before i move away. a thesis to produce. it doesn't help that any time you encounter someone from the outside they make you talk about it. how is new orleans. how is new orleans. depending on ones' mood, it's either better, so much better, they never talk about how much better is getting, or it is worse, oh man is it bad, you will not believe how fucking crazy this town is.

i never intending this to turn into a clearinghouse for what i think and feel about the city. but really, what i think and feel about the city is turning out to be what i am preoccupied with most of the time.

i think i have to get out of politics. which is pathetic, considering i really just go into politics, and really, if i stick it out my resume would look great and i might get good "contacts"- but for what? the political landscape of this city? perhaps if i felt that i was going to live here for an extended time period i would tough it out, muscle through, swallow whatever tiny bit of pride and dignity i have and just. deal. with. it. and not to say that i haven't worked with good candidates and great people. i have. i just don't believe in it. and now that im poised to get thrown into much bigger races with much bigger candidates whom, really, i am against for various reasons, i don't think i can play along anymore. i understand the idea of the lesser evil, and supporting those candidates who have a chance of defeating the truly odious ones, but really, fuck it. i'm supposed to be young and idealistic right now, which is pathetic considering how jagged and jaded i feel these days. i'm turning into that horrible person who is anti everything for some reason, against the system and against the revolution.

was out drinking last night down in the cbd. it was a book release party, but for an indie book about life after the storm, so the place was chock full of overly self-conscious young white kids trying to play some unrecognizable part. and they all looked the same.

wondered how much it would cost, really, to hire a hitman in this city. not to do it, but just out of curiousity after hearing about a pair of hitmen in the seventh ward who collectively were responsible for over 30 murders. talking with a friend about really, what do people do for a living here? the cost of living is so high, and the wages so low, and decent jobs so scarce.

the whole city feels like a twisted social experiment.

had a great conversation with a fellow transplant last night, about this city, and how it's like no other place, really, in the united states. which, ironically, was a point that had been forced down my throat on saturday night, when an extremely drunk man who believes himself to be some sort of robert capa uber-male journalist harangued me for forty five damn minutes on the socio-political schitzophrenia of empire and what god hath wrought on new orleans. and i understood what he was saying, but i resented it, because i am getting tired of how self-conscious so many young people in this city seem to be, like they constantly have to remind themselves that they are living on the edge, the wild wild west of urban america.

last night two of my bar acquaintances told me that they had been in pal's the night a mentally disturbed man slit a woman's throat- she died right at my feet, he said, and i have army med training and there was nothing i could do, it happened so fast.

and what we talked about was how every day you wake up and you either love this city, or you hate it. and there is no in between. and this happens with everyone, the whole population, every day this strange struggle. and this city won't be the same in five ot ten years, people will forget, or people will leave, and this city might not actually recover. so i am glad that i am here, witnessing it, and am able to make up my mind about the actuality, the reality of this place, instead of constantly being told what it is, especially by overbearing drunks.

there is a large group of pigeons who live on my street. they had a little roost in my attic before the landlord closed up the hole in the roof. i think there was a pigeon sealed in the attic; we could hear all sort of strange noises for a few days. in athens we had a family of racoons who lived in our attic. i used to sit on the front porch at night doing various things (ie drinking beer) and watch them peek their little heads over the side of the roof, making sure i wasn't a threat before they climbed into a nearby tree.

it's supposed to be fall but it's ninety something degrees out. my pinholes are so far failures, although there's not really too high a level of quality to be attained for them to be successes. talked a long time last night to a very old friend on the topic of, "now that we've graduated from college, when exactly do we figure out what the fuck we want to do with ourselves?" answer: don't hold your breath for an epiphany.

i've been in the city a month, and it's finally starting to feel a little more comfortable. more familiar, i suppose, although i still get lost every day, forgetting what streets go where, and what time the streetcar stops, and which way to turn on st. charles to get to which coffee shop, or even which way goes downtown, uptown, riverside, lakeside.

i've been offered a job teaching photography after school to kids in a restoration school. i jumped at the chance, so excited, it's been so long since photography has been part of my daily life, and then it hit me. how do i teach photography without cameras? or a darkroom?

so i spent all day yesterday building a pinhole camera. and i would test it today but tropical storm humberto is raining down on new orleans right now, so i won't be able to get a proper exposure. i still need to finish building the shutter as well. when i figure it all out, and get prints, and my new scanner (which is so unbelievably exciting) i will post images.

also, i just got paid for my political work, and i can now develop all my film from tanzania. very exciting stuff. except i think i have to drive into metarie for that, i don't know how to navigate the suburbs yet.

went on a long bike ride yesterday afternoon. it had rained, but was still cloudy, meaning that the city was actually cool. it made me long for fall, and crisp cold air and falling leaves, but this is southern louisiana, and i have a long wait for that.
but the bike ride was nice, and i went bumping along these broken streets, and smiled at neighbors, and forgot for a little bit how scared and depressed i am these days.

i met a man down in the 9th ward whose house had been under 25 feet of water. he was there to mow the neighborhood lawns, keep them looking nice. he pointed to a boat across the street and says, "see that little boat? there was 18 of us in that boat."

it's soon to be the second anniversary of katrina, and all the politicians and celebrities are descending to make speeches, maybe help gut a house, cut a ribbon, give a check. try to ease these social ills that are like a chasm in the city. i have a ticket to go see a certain top level presidential candidate in the upcoming days- we get to ask questions, i am so ecstatic- and whereas i know everyone is going to be asking about federal rebuilding funds, i am going to ask about the long arm of the law, and how it should be applied in theory vs. in reality. because i have been watching the debates and the interviews, and i am floored at how the right questions are never asked, and how everyone gets out of any decent question with a bad joke, and then we're right back to those ever-so-awesome questions about which mistakes had the strongest impact on you, and who is your hero, jesus christ or just plain god?

more and more i am beginning to believe that politicians are the last people we should actually entrust with the government. but i am enough of a realist to understand that only the truly megolomaniacal among us truly want to spearhead the government, or have the ability to see issues so starkly as to be able to even form policy.

i suppose this is home

tomorrow will mark two weeks of living in new orleans. this summer has been one without roots, full of travel in cars and planes and canoes, the exact idea of living here has not sunk in. i am technically familiar with this town- i have visited here countless times, both before the storm and after- i knew this was where i wanted to live even before i had a concrete reason to or even the ability to leave athens. but now, now, now i find myself having to navigate these broken streets in the opressive heat, and am frankly intimidated by how much i do not know, both geographically and culturally. and true to the amount of travelling i have done in the past three months, as well as the sudden realization that i do not have to return to school, i am done, i have degrees and qualifications and no need to feel hemmed in by an obligatory schedule now, i am already plotting and planning escapes.

about a week ago, paul and i went down to vaughan's for drinks with friends. the power had gone out in the 9th again- the heat wave was too much, everyone had their air conditioners to the max, and the whole neighorhood blew the transformers. driving through the streets- the streetlights were out, cars went at a crawl. everyone on street corners, little babies awake, the only lights being candles, kerosene lamps and the sweep of carlights. the bars were still open, and full, beers being the only thing cold, everyone coming together to commiserate on the heat and the city.

i think it was then i first realized that i could become part of the city, not just love it as an observant outsider, but as a citizen, a resident.

that, and the pineapple mint julep ice cream and the cajun cremery.