it astounds me how little i've documented my life over the past few years. maybe i instinctively knew that the picture i would end up drawing would be depressing, and that you had a lot to do with why, and i just wasn't ready to deal with it.

ever so often i think of something positive about you- something you said or did that reminds me as to why i was with you for so long. mostly these positive things happened months, or even years, ago- when we were both younger and prone to grand thoughts about one another, or life in general. these happy little memories have been crowded out by the shit that defined the past nine months, though. perhaps i'm doing you a disservice by concentrating so much on the negative- i don't want to hate you, or even really dislike you. i'd prefer nonchalance. in some ways, i am sad that i have lost that happy person from a few years ago. it's even sadder that you have lost that person. i apologize in advance for forgetting these sweet moments about you, because it's going to happen, and i'll only remember the reasons why we broke up. i wish that you would grant me the same kindness, but ultimately i don't care what you decide the narrative of our relationship is.

i think in a lot of ways we've been strangers to each other for our entire relationship.

i think in a lot of ways i'm tired of thinking about this. i'll be relieved when i have something else to worry about before i fall asleep.

last friday at sunset i was sitting on my back porch, and i realized that there was a giant flock of crows (or murder of crows) flying low directly over my house. caw, caw, caw, all black against the peach lit evening, for the entire slice of sky over my head.

in other news, sunday night i saw an elderly couple walking miniature ponies across north rampart street towards the gas station next to armstrong park. ponies!

i should be working on grad school applications but i am being crushed by my own indecisiveness and instead am (obviously) diddling around on the internet, posting on a blog that i (obviously) rarely post on. go me.