last night was the first night i've slept alone in my room since someone broke in my house monday night. a bit creepy, laying in the dark, thinking about this person who was in my space with me, going through my things.

also, however, kind of funny, considering that they stole a jar of coins, my deodorant, and a pair of pants. although my keys were attached to said pants. and they stole my car and crashed it into a mcdonalds.

so i've been walking to work. which has been great. better than great. i used to be such a pedestrian- i went five years in athens with no car, and, since coming to new orleans, i have become a spoiled brat as far as transportation goes. i have always loved walking, and i'm actually kind of glad that this has forced me to really rediscover that.

tentatively planning a trip to peru in august.

finally figured out how to knit socks.

feeling better. always feeling better.

so of course im sitting outside talking to a friend about how fucking depressed you've made me and that "dreams" song by the cranberries starts playing from a house across the alley and reminds me that that was the first song on the first mix tape you made me.

i wish my brain would die.

drew for the first time in forever last night.

cooked dinner for the first time in forever last night.

listened to the rain.

didn't try to tell you anything.

sipping whiskey and listening to nina simone and wishing that i had decided to drive to georgia this morning. hanging out in this city with all these people who have known each other forever has been depressing of late- i'm so out of place, i can't keep up, all i have to offer is this pathetic sob story that is you.

i started drawing a little comic strip of us- what happened. how did it start? why did it continue? the narrative is so bold- travelling in bands, going to mexico, hurricane katrina. perhaps what i am mourning the most is the story. we had such a good story.

2008 has been a rough year. deaths, accidents, deaths, break-ups, no money, no time, frustrations, questions. as a child i thought that once you were "grown up" you had it all somehow magically figured out- but now i'm realizing that there is no map, and there are many many streets and alleys and buses out of town. should i stay? should i move across the country yet again and throw away all my friendships once more and forget all of these things? i've been feeling like i'm waking up these days- like this past year was just some strange dream, that none of this happened, my god it was all so boring- but now the question is, what am i going to do? i no longer have to answer to anyone. scary thought, scary thoughts.

i seriously reccommend that no one ever ever ever get invovled in some complicated long distance relationship. the reality never squares with the dreams, and the tension between is just too strong to navigate, and you might find yourself shipwrecked somewhere you weren't meant to be.

things that you said that i don't want to forget:

i know i've been stupid.

i know i fucked up.

i'm depressed a lot of the time, and what i'm depressed about most is how our relationship went bad.




what you didn't say:

i miss you, i love you, i'm sorry.

it astounds me how little i've documented my life over the past few years. maybe i instinctively knew that the picture i would end up drawing would be depressing, and that you had a lot to do with why, and i just wasn't ready to deal with it.

ever so often i think of something positive about you- something you said or did that reminds me as to why i was with you for so long. mostly these positive things happened months, or even years, ago- when we were both younger and prone to grand thoughts about one another, or life in general. these happy little memories have been crowded out by the shit that defined the past nine months, though. perhaps i'm doing you a disservice by concentrating so much on the negative- i don't want to hate you, or even really dislike you. i'd prefer nonchalance. in some ways, i am sad that i have lost that happy person from a few years ago. it's even sadder that you have lost that person. i apologize in advance for forgetting these sweet moments about you, because it's going to happen, and i'll only remember the reasons why we broke up. i wish that you would grant me the same kindness, but ultimately i don't care what you decide the narrative of our relationship is.

i think in a lot of ways we've been strangers to each other for our entire relationship.

i think in a lot of ways i'm tired of thinking about this. i'll be relieved when i have something else to worry about before i fall asleep.

last friday at sunset i was sitting on my back porch, and i realized that there was a giant flock of crows (or murder of crows) flying low directly over my house. caw, caw, caw, all black against the peach lit evening, for the entire slice of sky over my head.

in other news, sunday night i saw an elderly couple walking miniature ponies across north rampart street towards the gas station next to armstrong park. ponies!

i should be working on grad school applications but i am being crushed by my own indecisiveness and instead am (obviously) diddling around on the internet, posting on a blog that i (obviously) rarely post on. go me.